People who visit Việt Nam for three weeks know enough to go home and write a book about the country. But, the longer I stay here, the more I realize what I don’t know. I am fortunate in having other people help me learn.
Mark is a librarian in Toronto. During his six months in Hà Nội, he wrote an superb blog titled “Six Months in Hanoi.” Mark is a excellent observer of human behavior. After his return to Toronto he posted a marvelous story titled “Both Sides Now.” Please – before you go on, read Mark’s post.
The concepts fascinated me. Because I navigate the Vietnamese culture on the periphery, I was not sure if what he wrote was correct, yet my own experience seemed to indicate its true. The Vietnamese are very open and welcoming, and that is genuine. Yet, I’ve had the distant feeling that I wasn’t allowed into deeper relationships.
I am fortunate to have a Vietnamese teaching colleague named Lam Anh. He did his graduate work in Boston, and his research area is American Culture. We co-teach a course. I bounced Mark’s ideas off of Lam Anh, and here is his analysis. (If you haven’t read Mark’s posting, this will make little sense.)
It's fascinating observation and it is so true. His story brings me back to the ideas of two types of party that in Vietnam we call "sitting party" and "standing party" (buffet). "Standing party" is more Westernized while the latter is more traditionally Vietnamese. (Though today buffets are becoming more popular, especially to young people.) I do like that type of party for its informality and casualness but I'm sure "standing party" is something rather weird to the majority of the older in Vietnam. "Standing party" makes it possible for you to go around saying hi to various people, introducing yourself and socializing. In case you say something wrong (say, a slip of the tongue), no one feels hurt; no one cares since they know it is just fun; no commitment, no formality and also, people will forget everything very soon. In such a large group of people many of whom you have just met, what else can be talked besides introduction, work, so and so.
The Vietnamese "sitting party" is quite different. People who know each other tend to sit together in groups. Because they are not strangers, they can be very open and ready to share intimate things ("like in a family" as Mark wrote). They may not notice you because they think you have your own group. That way of partying prevents people from going around to socialize; and they feel no need to. What I don't like about it is its formality. If one is going to give a party like that, one should arrange the seats so that those who know each other can sit together.
The American may like the other way because they like making new friends, which the Vietnamese do, too but they seem more comfortable in their group as they don't believe in making friends so quickly. In a Vietnamese man's mind, friendship is the thing that lasts. The word "friend" in Vietnamese is a close person who can share with you some level of intimacy; a man he doesn't know well or has just met is just "a person he knows", certainly not a "friend" in full meaning. In American culture, "friend" may mean anyone they are talking to. And they do distinguish friendship and friendliness.
Being a Vietnamese who used to live in America and love both cultures, I sometimes find myself torn between the two. During my time in America, I certainly had many American friends and they were very nice and kind to me at school but then, in retrospective, I remember finding myself hanging around with some Asian friends at weekend. In our chatting, we sometimes talked about what we called "the invisible wall" between Americans. An unseen wall made of schedules, plans, appointments, time, etc. They made friends very quickly then went their separate ways as they moved to another class; "easy come, easy go." Is it so that Robert Frost wrote "Good fences make good neighbors" I wonder. I imagine a Vietnamese writer would rather write "Good neighbors are ones without fences".
Mark mentioned the family-like intimacy between Vietnamese friends, "No need to make plans days in advance because it was taken for granted that the group would hang out. One phone call and half an hour later the group might be meeting for coffee or bia hoi." Being a young and rather busy Vietnamese educated both in Vietnam and the US, I certainly feel more comfortable with a schedule in which everything is planned in advance but equally I don't feel frustrated if my friends called me suddenly asking me to join them for a coffee. I may say no if I'm busy, but definitely no complaint. Why angry with those who just want to bring me fun?
So my friends Americans, if you happen to be in a Vietnamese party/meeting and find people clustering in groups without much noticing the others, then take it easy. It doesn't mean that they are not happy with your presence or are not polite to you.
Just because that's the way it is!
Thank you to both my “friends.” I use the American connotation as I have never met Mark face-to-face, and I have only known Lam Anh for a year or so.
I invite others to share their observations. In my case I was struck by Lam Anh’s “Invisible Wall” theory – and I think he has a strong point.