The Muse is Silent

The muse has gone silent.

Each week, I write The Mommy Report – an email to close friends and family about my mother and her Alzheimer’s disease.  I usually write it based on some hand-scratched notes I’ve taken when I visit Mom in the nursing home during the week.  But now I’m find my little spiral notepad is empty.  There isn’t much to write about every week.

The muse doesn’t like it when there isn’t something new and stimulating each day.

As her disease progresses, Mom lapses further into confusion.  A few days ago, as I got ready to leave, she grabbed my arm and was very insistent that I take her with me – take her “home.”   That was a first – she had never gotten angry with me before for not taking her “home.”   I took the coward’s way out and found Mary (one of the wonderful nurses) who understood the predicament I was in and told Mom that she was not allowed to leave that day.  Mary baled me out – and smiled as she said “You want your mother to be mad at me, not you.”  I could only grin and realize Mary knew what it was about.

But each day is the same now – Mom and I wrestle for awhile.  She loves to wrestle as it offers physical touch.  She also complains that somebody is supposed to come and take her home, or some minor variation of her need to go home.  We sit on the sofa in the lobby.  On a nice day, we sit outside for awhile.  On Thursday, I took her for a ride in the car, but she got bored and started to swat my leg trying to get me to wrestle with her.

I have no doubt she is deeply confused inside.  I also have no doubt that her cognitive function is not as badly damaged as her ability to express herself in words.  In other words, she knows something but can’t express it.  I can only assume that is very frightening to her.

It sure would frighten me.

In Mom’s mind, time is irrelevant.  In my mind, all the visits are the same.  If you ask why I still go every day, its simply because I know her emotions are still there.  When she says she wants to go home, she doesn’t mean a place – she wants the warmth of family and friends memories.  If I can provide her with a connectedness to her emotions, then I shall continue to go see her.  Its more than filial duty – it is because she deserves whatever gifts I can provide.

As long as she can still smile at me, I’ll go see her.  As long as time exists, she will be my Mom.

Comments

[JB]

You are awesome. That's all I can say.
JB

[James Machin TREE]

Your a good son...

[Russ]

Proud to know ya.

[Brian Haworth]

Just imagine, for one moment, the following scenario.

For your Mum, read Doug.

For Doug, (caring for Mum), read the MGB, read your bro', read your obvious true friends in US and VN, caring for you.

As long as time exists, guess she'll know love.

May we all be so blessed.

It is my birthday on Thursday; give your ma a birthday hug from Mino and Brian.

And give the `MGB' a big birthday hug from us as well. (A much better class of photographer... yada... yada ...)

gb.

[Brian Haworth]

I'm sorry for my clumsiness. I meant merely to remind you, in my previous post, that your mum, seen from the outside and seeing her here as presented by you, could not have asked for more love than you all - rightly - continue ( ever) to give.

So, again, may we all be so blessed (and you know it ain't always so).

[Bruce Burton]

Keep on visiting her, and even more importantly, keep writing about those times. Good therapy for each of you. God bless you both.

[Brian Haworth]

I'm sorry that we haven't noted another way to say, to you and to the MGM, to your Mom, and to all those you love, there... and there, and there... oh, yea... and, of course, there.

Peace, love and true goodwill. But, then we gotta get real and add the dollars... and even more real... "people like you guys".

No, not people like you guys.

You.

You two.

And, we will make it so, us two.

I wish you and your family every love and strength to love mom.

May your gods bless us all.

merry Christmas.

mino & brian