American Family Reunions

Families are nuclear in America.  That simply means that we count “family” as being only the parents and kids.  Seldom do more than two generations live under the same roof.  Mom and Dad and the kids live in the same house, but once the kids are gone, Mom and Dad live by themselves.  It is quite rare for adult children to live with their parents.  It is almost unheard of to have three or four generations in the same house.   Americans have an extraordinary drive to be independent and self-supporting regardless of their age.  The mantra for most older people is that they don’t “want to be a burden to the children.”  Americans live by themselves as long as they can – quite contrary to the Vietnamese way of all generations living together.

But lets understand something – not living with them does not mean Americans do not love their parents.  Of course they do. It just means they have to work harder to keep family bonds strong.  That’s what we are doing now – traveling 4,335 miles (6,975 kilometers) to see parents and family.

I got this email from one of my students:  “Could you describe for me how a visit to parents in your culture would be please? In VN old children from far away to their parents, they are the guest of a fancy party. And people eat very slowly but in cheer. The children also bring their parents some medicals that are good for their health. Or bring some good food . . . “

Okay, Trang – here goes.

The Mystery Guest Blogger’s mother is a new widow and recently turned 80 years old.  Of her children, MGB lives the furthest away (Hué is on the other side of the world), but one son lives in northern Idaho and another lives in Texas.  Only one of her children lives close by – two houses away.

So, when the family gets together, it is a big deal.  There is no formal ceremony or activity, but a visit from far-off children usually means staying up late at night talking, preparing and eating big meals, and getting together with other extended family members in the area.

In celebration of being 80, MGB’s mother had a birthday cake made in her honor.  It’s an American custom to have a birthday cake with small candles on top of the cake that must be blown out with one breath – one candle for each birthday.  Eighty candles was a bit much, so the family decided on three small candles seen in the glass candle holders on the table.  Of course, we all had to sing “Happy Birthday” to her.

A few days later,  the extended family got together at one the children’s homes.  There were a lot more people there:  aunts, uncles, cousins, grandfathers, small children, sons-in-laws – a total of three generations.   Once again, food was central to the event as evidenced by all the fare on the kitchen counter.  The old folks talked about the old days, and the children played with the dogs.  The two principal activities were eating and talking.

Trang – I’m not so sure there is a lot of difference between Việt Nam and America.  Though the generations do not live together in America, family is important.  There may be less of a need for family reunions in Việt Nam, simply because families stay together more, but when separated children come together, both the Vietnamese and Americans love to eat (and eat with cheer, I might add), and catch up with what is going on in each others lives.

People aren’t really so different, are they?

Comments

[robert trumble]

Glad to see you back home, I just got back from 18 days stay in viet nam enjoyed every minute of it, going back again in Dec for 14 days. I love the people and the culture.

welcome home Doug let meknowif you heading back

Robert

[Russ]

Trang I'm looking forward to seeing my brother and we WILL eat and talk and talk... I can't wait to fire up the B-B-Q bro. Nice picture Cindy. Your Mom looks great.

[Hoang]

I can elaborate this further here. In Vietnam, most families are considered "extended" families. It means that all generations staying together if it is possible. If the people in the family are not under one roof, they may live in the same neighborhood or the same "district". The concept of the "oldest son" to carry on the family tradition and ancestor worshipping is very prevalent. If the boys in the family get married, their wives will have to joint her new extended family. There is also another factor involved. Argicultural dominated societies tend to have members of family living near each other. If anyone visits Iowa, North Dakota, or Minnesota will see that cousins, and related family members living in the same town. This is the legacy of argicultural past. So there is some similarity. In industrialized countries, people are mobile. And it is even more so in the big country such as the US. I have members of family scattered from the east coast of the US to the west coast of the US. The US culture emphasizes the immediate family just as Doug said. People visit their families (parents, grand parents, cousins, brothers, sisters, and so on) during the major Holidays like Christmas, Thanksgiving, July 4th, Memmorial day, and such. These events center around cooking and eating good foods and giving presents (Birthday, graduation party, and Christmas only). My family adopted the concept of "nucleous" family due to assimilation heap upon the parents by their kids and also by the facts that we go to different States for schools, jobs, and love interests.